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Why can I not sleep the whole night?

3 Nov 2019

“Why can I not sleep the whole night? God, I must get to work, I feel so hollow, I feel like just being miserable in bed for the rest of the day, Let's contemplate a sickness.”

These were the thoughts running in my head one Tuesday morning after my life was wreaked havoc due to an unfortunate turn of events. It was predictable. It was expected. But what I didn’t see coming was this glitch in my system. This unsettling early morning feeling of the pit in my stomach consecutively for a few days after a night of absolute insomnia was unwarranted. We human beings are extremist, can be very mean or can be extremely disconsolate yet try and get on with life. But I failed miserably to the idea of “Mohammad you can do it! You are a man, nothing can affect you! I am sure nothing affects you!”. I ended up crying most days and most nights and that’s when I decided to finish my life and realised that I am down with depression. Yes, immediately I came to terms with the fact that this is my medical diagnosis. It's no different from millions of people who suffer with it, but what makes it different is my journey.

A journey that belongs to me in entirety, a journey of immense and intense pain, a journey of sorrows, regrets, fears and loss, a journey of pride and self-respect, a journey of not succumbing to emotional traps, a journey of self-realisation after you have been abused, a journey of the usual alcohol/drugs “help to get over” route, a journey of building yourself again from a million shattered pieces, a journey of faith and reconnection with God, a journey of eternal faith that things will be better one day.

We all have been given the standard doctor advice to comply with medicines, seek counselling and consider a healthy lifestyle. But what we have not been advised is the faith in yourself. It's OK not to talk to anyone about what you have been through. It's indeed OK to not do anything at all, be at home and cry whenever you need to. It's OK not to be strong at times. It's OK to give up. It's OK to give in. It's OK to fall and stay there broken. It's OK to be not OK. But what’s not OK is not having trust in your existence. The day I realised the damage I have done to myself and that it must be repaired, my healing began.

God has given me closure from all the prevalent negativity in my life and guided me in a new direction which took me to places I have never imagined. There are a few things that are temporarily gone and few that are permanent, I am scarred but few scars are a testimony to your brawniness.

I am much happier in my life today. I have lost what never belonged to me but what I have today is the most valuable asset of my life which is – MOHAMMAD. Yes, that’s me. I have found myself. I have figured out my weaknesses, but I don’t need to fix anything. I have understood that acceptance is the key. I have understood that people lie but you can only feel sorry for their pitiable existence and that my TODAY is better than his past and my FUTURE is brighter than his today.

This may feel like yet another story of dismay and despair, but believe you me, this is all about the colossal emotional journey I have spent in reassembling my M-O-H-A-M-M-A-D together.

Lots of best wishes and, yes, if I can do it, anyone can!

Mohammad

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