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Perfection

8 Dec 2018

"I was made by Allah subhana wa ta'ala and I am perfect."

 

This is a statement I often find hard to believe. Not because I lack faith in the Almighty, but because I lack faith in myself.

I am transgender, I am disabled, and this means that by most people's definitions, I am flawed. I am considered to be broken, a mistake. And for a while, I believed that myself.

 

I suffered a lot as a teenager. I was bullied, I was sexually abused, and I was ignored by my peers. This has had a profound effect on me, and meant for a while I even hated my creator for putting me through these things. But I learned, slowly, through sabr (patience), that these things happened to me because of the evil of man, rather than the malevolence of the Creator. I came home to Allah subhana wa ta'ala.

 

While humans are the most perfect of Allah subhana wa ta'ala's creations, they are not born finished. We are blank slates. This is why children learn, and grow, and become adults as they go. We have the capacity to sin because Allah subhana wa ta'ala wanted us to learn self-control. He wanted us to come to him of our own free will. And he wanted us to learn sabr through our trials.

 

Being trans and being disabled have both taught me, in the one sense, sabr, and in another, to love myself wholly. Allah subhana wa ta'ala does not make mistakes, and I am not a mistake or an error. I have not been overlooked by Allah subhana wa ta'ala; instead, I am blessed by him to have travelled this journey and come out the other side. I am blessed by him to be alive, joyful, to have a family who loves me and a circle that accepts me.
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Transgenderism is not a flaw or an error. It is simply another trial I had to go through to be my authentic self, my true self, the self that Allah subhana wa ta'ala sees me as. For Allah subhana wa ta'ala truly loves all of his creations, especially those who have suffered at the hands of man and fate. Fate put me in the wrong body, but I don't mind. I am happy being myself. And Allah subhana wa ta'ala is happy with that too, I know it.

 

Being disabled was harder on me, and sometimes I fear it makes me a bad person or a bad Muslim. I cannot pray properly, or five times a day. Sometimes I cannot pray at all. I cannot fast. I cannot wear hijab in the summer. I will never be able to go on Hajj. But then I remember: I said my shahada, just like you. That makes me a Muslim, no matter what else I do. Allah subhana wa ta'ala respects my health and my abilities and knows I can only do what I'm capable of. He does not ask for more than I am able to do.

 

I was made by Allah subhana wa ta'ala, and I am perfect, with all my flaws, with all my trauma, within my abilities. I was made by Allah subhana wa ta'ala and I am perfect.

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